


John, I am not throwing away my pot

by Honeynut_Queerio279



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, All of them are stoners, Emotional Abuse, Hamilton References, Hamilton is trans and bi, Hercules is ace, High School AU, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John is Super gay, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Other, Past Child Abuse, Past hard drug abuse, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Violence, and there is cussing in this so, description on schizophrenia, different forms of self-harm, if you don't like that then idk what to say to u, laf is non-binary, main POV: Alex, modern day AU, multiple abuse references, no one dies i swear but someone might be close to that but i promise no one will die, peggy is gay, theres just a lot of abuse and drugs and gays in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-11 01:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8947111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeynut_Queerio279/pseuds/Honeynut_Queerio279
Summary: Alex is going through his life the way he always does, with one struggle over the other. With no parents, no family, just a house and drugs to his queer ass. He has mental illness issues, has an awful childhood, and is a stoner and consistent drinker. When he gets switched to a different country, with different culture and different place, he will realize how small the world can actually be. He meets a dude his age, John Laurens, who has a lot in common with him. The two soon become inseparable. Something that Alex has never had before will soon be the main part of his life. He then meets some of johns friends, Hercules Mulligan and Lafayette. What will his life become of now that he has these people in his life? All he can do is sit and see.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yo so this is my first story on here so i hope it's good. There is Spanish in this, and so since i am lazy af, there will be a link to Spanishdict at the end notes so you guys can just copy and paste, and actually know whats going on. If you have constructive criticism pls tell me i wanna get better.

_ “Alex! Alex where are you??” Is being yelled to me as I try and swim through the rough, polluted waves. I look around and see houses, branches from trees, and anything that wasn’t bolted down just floating and washing away somewhere unknown. My nose is just above water as I desperately look for the voice that was very familiar to me. “Alexander! Where are you?! Alex!” I finally turn my head a certain direction, my hair hitting and sticking to my face, and I look and spot my cousin, just as soaking wet as myself. “Peter!” I yell, and I start to swim towards him in the most frantic way possible, pushing my way passed wooden objects and planks. When I finally reach him, we cling onto each other and when we feel well enough, we try to find somewhere safe to swim to or at least float on. We somehow find some land and rest there until after the hurricane has passed, and quickly try to find some sort of shelter, and sleep. _

_ I suddenly appear in a house, woken up from a loud bang, in a bed that seems to be my own, not soaking wet at all. “That bang didn’t sound like something fell… shit.” I quickly walk out of my room and walk to the living room and stop dead in my tracks and see my cousin laying on the floor with a gun in his hand and his body laid limp on the floor, blood all over as I notice where it is coming from, a huge part of my cousins head gone, and I get an awful feeling in my stomach. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. How could this have happened? How could he have come to this? Did he even leave a note to read? Did he say anything that I could have noticed to spark a conversation like this? To maybe help him and save him? God damnit why was I like this. He probably reached out and I pushed him away. I’m so fucking stupid, I could’ve done something. I could’ve done something I could’ve done something Icould’vedonesomething ICOULD’VEDONESOMETHIN-. I stop. I almost feel as time stops and I look at his face while my eyes are glued to his numb limp expression. I see bits of his head and anything else on the wall and floor. I wonder what death is like. Is it like a beat without a melody? If that even makes any sense. but now everything is done. He fired his gun and now I have to let it be. I don’t feel a beat or a melody. I don’t feel anything. I finally can move and I run to the bathroom so I can throw up. I then get up and splash my face with water, brush my teeth, and go into his room. I suddenly spot a piece of paper on his nightstand. “Fuck… no.” I picked it up and started reading it: _

  
  
  


_ “My Dear Alexander, _

_ Give yourself a legacy. One day, all of us will be blown away by the things you create. This isn’t your fault, and it’s nobody else's but mine. With everything going on, this is just my destiny. This is my legacy. I always had a feeling that this would be the death of me, more or less. I’m going to give you some more advice, one last time. Someone wise once told me, “You have no control with who lives, who dies, and who tells your story.” Remember that, Alex. What happens, happens. And If you’re reading this, then now there is a story for those to tell about me or two, but remember my story, Alex. Remember me. Please. Even if no one else does. And last of all, don’t EVER, give up like me. I swear to God I will haunt you if you do. This world was made for you. It wasn’t made for me. Go make your legacy. Make me proud, cousin. Stay alive. That would be enough.  _

_ With all the care in the world, Peter L.” _

 

_ Something’s buzzing in the background. A huge ringing kind of buzzing. Oh my god. Oh my  _ **_fucking_ ** _ god. He did this. He really did. But he wanted this, and if i know anything about Peter, it’s that he never fails at getting what he wants. I couldn’t believe it. I start hyperventilating again, and I’m having a panic attack.  “No...no no no…..fucking hell no you can’t leave! I won’t let you! Get the hell up!! No! nonononONONONONO-” _

 

“ **_NO_ ** !” I scream as I wake up and violently sit up, scaredly looking around the room in panic, wondering where I am, but then reality comes back to me like a brick wall and I realize that the nightmare I had was but only a horrible memory. It wasn’t happening. Well, it wasn’t happening right now at least. I slowly am able to breathe normally, although the pounding of my heart is still there. I’m in a cold sweat. I shortly find out what the buzzing was earlier in the nightmare, and look at my alarm clock as it reads  **6:32 am** , in bold, red, flashing numbers. I hit the alarm button, turning off that  _ horrible _ ringing sound. But I guess that means it’s just doing its job. I sigh, and get out of bed, taking a shower. I turn the water off, and take a towel as I get out of the shower and wipe off the condensation on the mirror and try looking at myself. “ _ I look fucking dead, _ ” I think to myself, as if it was anything new. Looking closely at my eyes I see that they would be more fit for a raccoon than any human. Insomnia is a bitch though, I have to  admit, but who wouldn’t? You either don’t sleep, or you try and succeed for a few hours, but then have a nightmare the whole time and feel more exhausted than when you first closed your eyes.

I go into my room and get dressed in a tee-shirt, followed by a flannel, loose fitting jeans, and then my regular green converse. I look at the time,  **6:58 am** , and brush my hair, put it in a quick ponytail, and put a green beanie on. I run out to the living room, grab my backpack, and walk out of the house, grabbing my longboard, and riding down the street to my high school. 

 

Once I got on school grounds, I hopped off my long board and held it, looking around, trying to spot where the main office was. “ _ This school doesn’t look half bad. Maybe the people of my town where right. This is way better than back on nevis.”  _ It took a while, but eventually I saw a sign above a door that read in blue letters, “Main Office”. I checked my phone as I walked in,  _ 7:20 am.  _ Alrighty, new school, new life. “ _ This time, things are gonna be different. Don’t fuck it up this time, Alex.”  _ I thought to myself as I went to the front desk and smiled at the lady behind the desk, briskly typing out something on her computer. She glanced up at me and then looked back at her computer. “What do you need?” She said in an monotone and slighty annoyed tone. I looked down at my hands and then back up at her. My anxiety automatically started to rise into my throat. I could hardly breath, or talk for that matter, but I had to say something. “ _ Say something, you idiot. She’s already annoyed by you. Don’t try and make things worse, dipshit.”  _ a voice in my head stated. I ignored it and just tried to speak. “..uh hi, I’m new here, and I need a schedule and a map, please.” She raised an eyebrow, her eyes not wavering from the screen, continuously typing. “Weren’t you at the orientation?”  _ “she knows.”  _  The dark voice stated in my head, once again. I shook my head. “Um, no. I was on a ship on it’s way over here when you guys had that.” She sighed and nodded her head.  _ ”she hates you. You could’ve done something. You stupid stupid stupid tranny piece of shit.”  _ I sighed and tried my best to ignore it. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a child, but never had the money to do anything about it, and so I was prescribed to basically become a stoner, more or less, at least that’s how it was from  what the doctors told me. They said that on nevis that was the closest thing to medication that they could get on the island, to deal with stuff like that at least. Maybe I could get some  _ real _ meds here. “Alright kid, maps are on the other desk over there. To print out your schedule I need your full name and grade.” She stopped typing and clicked her mouse a few times. “ _ Oh fuck.”  _ I thought.  _ “Thats right, schools in America don’t just go off of last name. Shit.”  _ My stomach got sick as I sighed and looked at the ground. “Uh, Hamilton.” She then looked at me with a ‘Go on?’ Expression. “And your first name?” I looked to the ground and then sighed.  _ “That didn’t work, dumbass. Why did you think it ever would have?” ‘oh, shut up,’  _ is all I could think back to the voice in my head. And this time, it stopped. Finally. Now I just felt exhausted, as if I didn’t already look the part. “..Alex..andra.” She quickly typed and then got done. “Sophmore?” I nodded, feeling all the depression that came with having to misgender myself. She clicked her mouse a few more times and then a paper came out of a printer that was placed behind her, and she handed me the schedule. I walked over to the other desk and grabbed a map. “Alright, thank you for the help.” She nodded, looking unamused, and didn’t say a word, going back to typing. I turned around and walked out of the office, looking at what my first period was. 

 

“Alright, para primero periodo tengo Spanish Two, Financial Algebra segundo, AP-Lit tercero,  Debate cuarto, Drama Quinto, y por último, si bien no menos importante, US History para sexto.” I smiled and nodded at my schedule. I was excited for this year, and all the classes I had, I very much enjoyed. I heard the bell ring as kids around me rushed to their classes, and I did the same. It was a little hard to find, but I eventually reached my spanish class and they whole room was filled with spanish words and places and posters, everything was in spanish. I smiled and looked at the teacher. He was un gringo, of course, but he looked like the kind of guy to know what he was doing.  _ “Usted es inútil. Nunca vas a poder hablar con ninguna de estas personas. Don’t even try. Es inutil. _ _ ” _ I walked up to him waved slightly anyways, because i knew how to not listen to that voice. “Hi, my names Alex, I’m new here.” He smiled and shook my hand. “Hello Alex, my name is Mr. Rhilen. How may I help you?” I looked at a poster near his desk that was from a gay pride event. I knew that because I had one hanging in my room, and it was one that you could  _ only _ get at a pride parade event. I automatically had so much more confidence than before on what I was about to say. “Well, I need to talk to you privately about something.” He nodded. “Alright, what’s up?” I sighed. “Is it okay if I say it in spanish?” He shrugged. “Yes of course.” I had a slight smile. “Okay, bueno, yo se que mi nombre es ‘Alexandra’ en la escuela recorda, pero yo soy transgénero, ¿ y sólo quería decirte que me gustaría ir en 'Alexander' o ‘alex’  en esta clase, si eso está bien?  I looked around the room nervously, hoping to anything that was not on this earth for this not to end up the same as it did last year. And it didn’t. Mr. Rhilen smiled wide at me and nodded. “ por supuesto, no hay ningún problema con eso. ” I sighed and relaxed, smiling back. “Now, go pick a seat. Anyone of them you’d like.” I nodded and sat at the one closest to the corner in the back. I looked beside me and lost my breath. There was a guy with light brown, curly hair that was pulled back in a ponytail, with a blue beanie and rainbow gauges, probably a size 0. He was looking at his phone, and had freckles spread throughout all over his face. I looked down at his lips and then quickly looked away.  _ “Holy. shit. This guy is beautiful. I’m not gonna make it through this year.” _ I opened my backpack and got out a pencil as the teacher handed out a syllabus.

  
  
  


~ _ Later during fourth period~ _

 

“Manuel, your response.”

I waited for a bit, and then grinned. I knew exactly what to say.

“Daveed, That was a real nice declaration. Welcome to the present, we’re running a real nation. Would you like to join us, or stay mellow doin’ whatever the hell it is you do in Monticello? If we assume the debts the union get, there's a new line of credit, a financial diuretic, How do you not get it? If we’re aggressive and competitive, the union gets a boost. You’d rather give it a sedative? A civics lesson from a slaver. Hey neighbor! Your debts are paid cause you don’t pay for labor. “We plant seeds in the South! We create!” Yeah, keep ranting. We know who’s really doing the planting. And another thing, Mr. Age of Enlightenment. Don’t lecture me about the war, you didn’t fight in it. You think I’m frightened of you, man? We almost died in the trench, while you were off getting high with the French! Daveed diggs, always hesitant with the President. Reticent—there isn’t a plan he doesn’t jettison. Onaodowan, you’re mad as a hatter, son, take your medicine. Damn, you’re in worse shape than the national debt is in! Sittin’ there useless as two shits. Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you where my shoe fits.”

While the whole class went crazy at our “Cabinet battle”, an assignment that Mr. Washington gave us on the first day to see what we could do on the spot, I was just standing there, grinning. Even though I enjoy writing a lot more, I wasn’t too awful at this, I might wanna get into rap a little more. Why not? “Alright settle down. We will continue to go throughout the class with different prompts, but jefferson take your seat, and  _ hamilton, take a seat _ .” He looked at me in the way my mom would look at me if i got in a fight as a child or something. I usually wasn’t one to get into fist fights, but once you pushed me too hard, or into the wrong direction, not even God, if there was one, could predict all that I could do. Maybe that why I didn't do them. I mean, I did almost end up killing this one dude who was in the hospital for several weeks when I was like 9. Yeah, fighting physically probably shouldn’t be a thing for me.

Class ended and i was sitting just finishing forging signatures for my syllabuses when all the sudden the bell rings. I get up from my seat when Mr. Washington calls for me. “Hamilton, I need to have a word with you. Come here.” I got up and left my stuff at my desk, considering that next period was his lunch, and no other kids would steal my stuff if i left it unattended. I stood in front of his desk, thinking,  _ “Man, he should be more of a general than anything.”  _

“Son, how would you feel being a T.A. for one of my English or U.S. history classes next semester?” I gave him a confused look. “What?” He gave me a small smile. “I understand that it is the first day, but i ran into a paper that you wrote from where you lived back in Nevis, and i feel like with your skill of writing, you should be in all AP classes. Your work is amazing and you put so much detail into your writing, I'm surprised you don’t write books. You almost write like you’re running out of time it seems.” I chuckled, and nodded. “Thank you, sir. That really means a lot. It would make sense if it seems like that because at the time, I kind of  _ was _ running out of time. I would love to get with my councilor though and see what i can do with being a T.A.” He nodded.

“That’s great. I just need you to do one thing.” I shrugged. “Okay, what do you need?” He sighed. “Can you try, for maybe a moment, to  _ pull yourself together _ ? I understand if you dislike Thomas, but he is a fairly good working student of mine, and it is not professional behavior for someone to act like that in high school.” I thought for a moment and then looked at him in a thoughtful manner. “How about if he does not start a fight with me, I will not have to end one.” He gave me a look of disappointment. “Alex.” i shrugged. “I’m serious sir, I do not start fights, I was raised better than that. The only reason I fight with anyone is because they start something with me. If you can get Thomas to back off, I won’t bother him like that during class. Because if I have to tell him to piss off, I can assure you I won’t be as nice.” He nodded. “Okay. Did he start anything with you today?” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Real issue on the table is when does he not.” He looked at his computer. “How many classes do you have with him?” I sighed. “So far, all of them except first period. He has french that period I guess.” I mumbled, “..I feel bad for lafayette..” He sighed, then nodded. “Alright, I’ll have a conversation with him, and see what I can do. I’m willing to be on your side on this, you’re a bright kid, but make sure to not go too far with this. I can only help so much.” I nodded and started walking back to my seat to get my stuff. “Alright sir, I will. Thank you. I’ll be sure to keep all those things in mind.”

 

~~~

 

I started walking into the lunchroom after I put my stuff in my locker, and realized three things. 1) This school is crowded into the lunchroom. I have claustrophobia. No. 2) I’m not hungry. There’s no use. 3) School lunches usually suck. It’s probably not a good idea to eat it anyways.

I decided to just find John and Laf, see where they were, and then see if they wanted to come to my house and have a smoke. My house wasn’t too far from the school. Plus, the school had nothing against us doing that, so it didn’t seem like that big of a deal (leaving campus during lunch, that is. They prob wouldn’t be okay with the whole smoking thing).

Surprisingly, I actually had the guts to talk to that  _ really _ cute guy in my first period. He said his name was Jonathan Laurens , but most people call him John or Jack, and that I could just call him John. He was really into equal rights just as much as me, we both spoke fluent spanish, and he said he was gay. Like, really gay. I told him that I was bi and trans, and that my name was Alexander Hamilton, but he could call me Alex or hamilton if he wanted. He also said stuff about how he was going to chill with some friends and smoke a joint after school, and invited me to go. I told him that I smoked and that it’d be really cool to go, and that I didn’t have any other plans after school. Honestly, talking to him, I almost felt, oh what, helpless? It might sound weird, but he was just so blunt and straightforward, like me, and was just so easy to talk to. Plus, he is  **really** hot. 

“Hey, Alex! Yo, over here kid.” I turned around, and John was walking over to me, waving his arm so I could notice him. I walked over to him and nodded my head upwards.  _ “Be cool, hamilton, be cool.”  _ Damn, why am I so fuckin gay.

“Hey man! Wazzup? Yo, you wanna hang at my place? Go out for a smoke? If we leave right now, we’ll have enough time to go there and come back before class starts.” He smirked and nodded. “Yea man. Is it cool if we bring Laf? He should be coming back from class right now.” “Yea! I was actually gonna try and look for you both anyways, but yea lets kick it. Where he at?” he shrugged and looked at his phone, unlocking it and going into messages. “ I dunno. I’ll text him tho.” I gave a ‘hang loose’ hand sign that i kinda always did. “Sounds good. Wanna head over there right now? I can give him directions if we get there before him. Its really not to far from here.” John nodded and started walking toward the exit doors. “Sure, let’s go.”

  
  


_ ~15 min. Later.~ _

  
  
  


There was almost like a thin patterned white filter that was filled within the room. Laf was sitting on the floor while John and I were sitting on the couch really close to each other, not really doing much but laughing a bit and looking at each other. I took one more hit from my joint before I threw it in the ashtray that was on the floor beside us 3. I coughed as I said, “Oh my god dude, we shouldn’t come back to school like this. If we go to class, they’ll be able to smell it all over the classroom.” John nodded and took a hit from a pipe I let him borrow, then blew out a bunch of smoke and blew some smoke rings. “Well, what about our stuff?” I poked his nose and then smiled. I could barely keep my eyes open. “I dunno. We could go back to get our stuff and then hang here. Or wherever. I’m good with whatever you guys wanna do.” Laf finally pitched in, had finished his bowl a while ago, just chillin on the floor, lying down. “We can hang at the park and just chill there. No one goes to the local park all that much anyways.” John gave a bit of a smug smile. “If we stop by my house I could grab a few joints and some whisky.” I laughed at him and saw that he gave a genuine smile when I had started laughing, but I didn’t pay mind to it. “Yea, okay, as if we need to be intoxicating ourselves than we already have. Okay.” John nudged my arm. “C’mon. It’s showtime! Go big or go home, yeah?” I smiled and shook my head. “Alright whatever, you can bring whiskey. And a few joints.” he nodded and smiled. “Hell yeah.”

John was the first to get up and he nearly fell over, but he still continued to help up Laf, and Laf started walking towards the door. John looked at me and held out his hand. “C’mon, let’s go.” he slightly smiled, and got up and took his hand and we held hand for a bit, but he was probably just doing this platonically, or because he was high, right? Oh well, either way I wasn’t complaining. Laf was leading the way as we left our house and were walking back to the school to grab our stuff.

Once we grabbed our stuff we automatically started running to Johns house. Because why not? We were laughing and dancing with each other in the empty street. We got into his house and we went into the kitchen and I sat on the counter, looking at John as he was looking for his weed and whiskey. A man walked into the room we were in out of nowhere and passed by me without a glance, going into the fridge. “You gonna be out?” John waited a while before answering. “.. Yes. Why?” there was a hint of aggravation in his tone and when I looked at his eyes they were filled with anger and fear. Something was wrong. I took out my phone, trying to not fuel to the awkwardness. His father just sighed and shrugged, but didn’t seem bothered. John got out the whiskey and put it on the counter. “I’ll be right down. You and Laf are welcome to eat and drink whatever you’d like here, Alex.” I nodded. “Alrighty, thanks.” he turned around, his curly hair bouncing as he was walking away and climbed up the stairs. The man looked at me and almost gave me a look of hatred. Shit he caught me staring. 

“... You’re not a fuckin queer, are you?” Okay, he was definitely drunk or something. “..uh, I beg your pardon?” he got in my face and looked me in the eye. I tried to not seem as high and opened my eyes a little more. “I said, you’re not a fuckin queer, are you?” I shrugged, while laughing slightly. “Why does that matter to you?” he continued to stare at me. “Because it’s gross and if you are, you’re going to hell.” I sighed. “Okay, a few things wrong with that. First off, if you haven’t experienced it, you have no say to tell me if it’s wrong. Another thing is that, it’s not gross. If anything, you, and your opinions are. Also, maybe if I  _ actually  _ **_believed_ ** that there was a hell or anything else like that, that sentence might have actually affected me somehow, but considering you’re a bigoted son of a bitch who doesn’t know how to start a decent conversation, or know what the fuck he’s talking about, I’m pretty sure none of what I just said will get through your dumbass head.” John came down the stairs right after I said that, looking at me, having a different, smaller backpack on. “Alright Alex, let’s go. Laf left early and said he’s close to the park.” I nodded, hopping off the counter, grabbing the whiskey. I stared directly at the man, who I guessed was Johns father. “Have a nice day, sir. I hope to never see you again.” I gave him a wide smile as he just continuously stared at me in disbelief, and then walked out the door. 

Once I was down the street far enough from the house, John had caught up to me, looking very confused. “Um, did my dad do something? If he did, look, he’s just like that, I get shit from him all the time, so please don’t take that personally. He usually tries to act decent in front of other people, but I guess he’s just being a bitch to everyone today. I’m real sorry if he had said anything to you.” I looked at him and put my hand on his shoulder. He had a worried and pissed off expression on his face. “Hey, you have no need to be sorry, it wasn’t your fault. Your Dad just asked if I was  ‘a fuckin queer.’” I chuckled, laughing at the situation in itself. “I don’t care, he’s just a drunk who doesn’t know how to have a decent conversation.” John chuckled. “Hah, you got that right man. I would know.” I gave john a curiously concerned look. “.. what do you mean by that?” He quickly looked at me, almost with… fear? He then looked around as if he was thinking about what he was gonna say. “Uh.. my Dad and I just don’t get along that much. And I mean it’s just normal for him to act like he doesn’t have any respect for anyone, and he doesn’t.” I nodded. I didn’t completely believe his reasoning, but if it was what I thought it was, I completely understand why he wouldn’t want to talk about it. “I get that. And you got all the stuff we need?” he nodded, smiling. He looked more relieved. “Yeah man, and don’t forget about the party later.” I shook my head. “But man I’m claustrophobic. How do you expect me to be able to be there without having an anxiety attack?” I gave him a curious look as he smirked slightly and shrugged. “I dunno, I’ll think of something.” I put my hand in my pocket and handed him the whiskey. “Why doesn’t that reassure me at all? I don’t know if I should be concerned or chill.” John took the whiskey and smiled at me, pushing me a bit. “Dude chill. It’s gonna be fine. You don’t know, maybe, oh god forbid, you might enjoy yourself?” he started laughing as I just rolled my eyes, smiling. “Yeah yeah, whatever, have your fun. But if I have an anxiety attack or mental breakdown,  _ you’re _ gonna have to be the one to help me calm down. You know that right?” he nodded and then linked arms with me, and then he put his hand in my pocket, holding mine. I felt my face get hot. Damn I was probably blushing. But I didn’t care. I looked at him and I felt like nothing could go wrong with my life at this moment.

By the time we got to the park Laf had found a nice grassy place for us to sit at, and had his weed stuff and backpack beside him as he laying down. “Mon ami! I’m glad you two finally showed up. I thought you two had somehow got lost with each other that you weren’t gonna be able to find the park!” he said as he looked at our hands which were holding each other. We quickly shifted our eyes between us and then pulled our hands away from each other. “Laf, shut the fuck up. I came here to smoke and drink, not be made fun of for holding hands.” I had stated before i sat down next to Laf, John sitting next to me. He pulled out a few joints and the whiskey out of his backpack, handing us each one joint to start out. “We can just pass around the Jim Beam, it’s not like any of us are willing to burn our throats out right now, right?” Laf nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay with that. Alexander?” i shrugged. “Sure. let’s do this.”

I looked down at the joint, and put one end in my mouth, already able to smell it. “This is strong shit man, where’d you get this?” He laughed, then shushed me. “Nobody needs to know.” He smirked, and i just shook my head and smirked back as i lit the joint, breathing in and feeling the all too familiar burn go down my throat and into my lungs, then have that feeling fade away as I hold it, closing my eyes, and then exhaling, watching the smoke rush out in a huge puff, then rising up and slowly evaporating into the air. I looked over at John as he as doing the same, and Laf had to try and light his because his lighter seemed to not be working. “You outta juice?” He looked at me and then at the lighter slightly frustrated. When he was done trying he threw his lighter far on another part of the grass. “I guess.” I handed him my lighter. “You need to use mine?” He took it, nodding. “Hey, thank you.” I laid down, looking at the sky. “Yeah no problem.” 

About an hour later, the sun was setting and we were all just lying down, enjoying each other, laughing about stupid stories we’ve had with Jefferson. We were out of pot, stoned out of our minds, and then had only half a bottle of whiskey left, but we were all holding up pretty well. “Oh god, I can’t believe he did that. Is Jefferson even real?” John was still trying to calm down from laughing so hard, but at this point I didn’t think that was possible. “Hey, guys, can I talk to you about something?” Laf had stated, not as joking around and laughing as we just were. John and I calmed down and looked at Laf seriously, seeming that he looked a little nervous. “Yeah dude, what’s up?” He glanced at John and then me, then looked at the ground. “I uh.. Have something I need to tell you. It is very important.” John and I looked at each other and then at Laf. “Okay, what’s going on man?” I said, concerned. Laf sighed and then looked at us. “I trust you guys, and since you two are queer and understand this stuff, I wanna tell you that I’m non-binary.” I gave a look of slight surprise, and then just nodded. “Really? Well, I’m super glad that you found that out about yourself.” He sighed and relaxed a bit, looking relieved. “Thank you.” John nodded in agreement. “Yeah, how long Have you figured it out?” He shrugged. “I dunno, a while. I just didn’t really feel ready when I found out, so I just didn’t say anything. I also didn’t speak too much english then, so it would have been hard for me to say it then anyways.” I took a good drink of whiskey, then handed it to Laf. “So do you wanna go by different pronouns now?” They took the whiskey and took a sip, then nodded. “Yea, I’d really like to go by they/them pronouns, if that’s okay with you guys?” I laughed a bit, Laf handing the whiskey to John. “Of course we’re alright with it.” They smiled, looking in a way better mood, even after taking the drugs and alcohol. They seemed more genuinely happy. They checked their phone for the time, then started getting their stuff together. “I have to start heading home, it’s about 5:30 pm. My parents don’t care if I am high or drunk, they just care if I am out too late.” As Laf was getting up, I got up as well and gave him a hug, “Thanks for opening up to us man, I’m proud of you, knowing how hard it is for you to do stuff like that.” They nodded, giving a small smile. “Thank you both for listening. It wouldn’t have been so easy if you two weren’t already a big part of my life. And Alexander, you already know what this is like, in a sort of sense. It was much easier to be able to come out to you, knowing that you understood what I was going through.” They started walking away, waving at John. “Bye John, I’ll see you tomorrow!” He waved back, still lying on the ground. “See you tomorrow.” 

John had glanced at me while I was laying down, then handed me the bottle. “You can have rest, there’s not much left.” I smiled and gladly took the bottle. “Thanks.” He smiled back and nodded, looking up at the sky. “Mhmm.” I quickly swallowed the rest, barely feeling any burn at this point, and then laid on the ground, a lot closer to John then I remember being. “..Hey, Alex?” I glanced over at him and then look back at the sky, which was slowly getting darker and darker. “..is it cool if I spend the night at your place? My dad and I aren’t exactly on good terms and I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to go home right now, for me at least.” I thought a bit and then nodded. “Yeah, sure,” He nodded. “Thank you. Do you have anyone living with you right now?” I shook my head. “No, I live by myself.” He looked at me, a little shocked. “Really? In New York? Thats chill.” I shrugged. “Eh, more or less.” 

We sat there in comfortable silence, watching the sky turn different colors, until it was a nice dark navy blue shade, and stars had just began to show. 

“I think we should get going to my place now, it’s getting really late.” John sighed, and then got up, wobbling a little bit. “Alrighty, sounds good.” I tried getting up, then nearly fell over, john catching me and helping me back up. I held onto his shoulder for a minute, then stood on my own, laughing a bit. “Whoa. that was fuckin wild.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Just stay alive dude. If we can get to your house without one of us passing out, that would be enough.” I shrugged and started to walk after I put all my stuff in my backpack. “I’ll try.” 

By the time we got to my place, it was pitch black and the street lights weren’t working, and so we had to use a flashlight in order to find the house. I unlocked the door, walked in my empty house and set my stuff on the table, then automatically laying on the floor, staring at nothing. John closed the door and then stood over me with an amused look on his face. “Um.. Alex? What  _ are _ you doing?” I look up at him, having a blank expression as I said. “I am resting after a long day.” I then stood up and told John that the bathroom was down the hall by my room and that there was a spare bedroom with an extra bed that he could go in at anytime. “I don’t really have a T.V. yet, so if you wanna watch any shows or movies, you’re gonna need to do that on a phone or laptop or something. “Okay. Sounds good. Hey, Would it be okay if i took a show here? I feel really gross, and it’d probably be a good idea to get the pot smell off my clothes.” I nodded, and found him a towel. Yeah, and I have some shorts and large shirts on my bottom shelf of my drawer if you need Pj’s afterwards.” John smiled and took the towel, walking towards the bathroom. “Thanks.” I walked to the couch and then sat down, leaning back. “Oh, and i will most likely be in my room, but I have insomnia, so if you need anything, you are more than welcome to come in. Just be sure to knock.” He turned and then smiled. “Alrighty, thank you so much for everything.” I told him it was no problem and that he could come over anytime. 

About 15 minutes later, i heard the water turn off, and I walked into my room and got into my own Pj’s. I jumped on my bed and then just laid there, staring at the ceiling. It was something that I did often, so there was no boredom in it like there usually would be for most people. I then heard a knock on my door and said, “Come on in!” As the door opened I saw a soaking wet John, who had nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He had a six pack, broad shoulders and freckles that were spotted all over his body. And damn, was that the most hot and beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on in my life. I felt my cheeks and face get hot, and I looked somewhere else. “Oh, hey John, what’s up?” I asked, trying to seem as normal as possible. “Heyo, I just need to grab some Pj’s. they’re in the bottom drawer you said, right?” He reached for the bottom drawer, and then grabbed a random grey shirt and blue shorts. “Yeah.” he turned slightly as he was looking around the room. It was a plain badge room with nothing on it. I had my bed and my drawer of clothes, and that was it. He nodded at the room. “Looks like you could use some decorating, kiddo.” I nodded. “Yeah, i just moved in a month ago, and so I haven’t really had much time to shop for anything yet. Once I get a job though, I’ll probably do something with it.” I looked at Johns back, realizing he had some scarring and bruises there, but they didn’t look like it was from sex or anything intimate like that. I then looked at his hands and saw they were also bruised slightly. I had opened my mouth to ask about them, but I just decided I would ask later. As someone who has been abused in the past, I know what it’s like to be in that situation. I don’t want to be making things worse. He turned to walk out of my room, then looked at me, smiling. “Well, goodnight Alex, I’ll see you in the morning.” I nodded, giving a slight wave. “Alright, g’night. I’ll see you in the morning.” And with that, he closed the door, walking to the spare bedroom. And I heard it shut, I sighed. “I’m so sorry, John, I’m so sorry he treats you that way..” A memory then went through my head of my brother beating me, and everything he had done to me. I shook my head, trying to forget about it. “No, Alex, stop thinking about that.” I went to itch my eye and realized I was crying. I wiped my eyes and turned off the light, laying down, staring at the ceiling. “Things will get better.. I know they will.” and with that, and the thought of John in my head, for the first time, I was able to fall asleep. No nightmares, no schizophrenia, screaming in my head. Just me, the noises of outside, and the sweet oblivion that came with sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, that's it! Thank you guys for reading. Please do give me polite feedback, I wanna get better at this if possible. (I'm using google docs, so if there are a few words and some sentences that should be capitalized and fixed in any way that aren't, please forgive. It is a pet peeve of mine and if it is for you, I'm sorry.)
> 
>  
> 
> Spanish dictionary translator:  
> http://www.spanishdict.com/translation


End file.
